Autistic on Holiday

One of my earliest memories is watching the shows at Haven Holiday Park. There were the children’s shows, and one of these was Tiger Club. This always featured colourful mascots such as Rory the Tiger, Anxious the Elephant, Manic the Parrot and many more. Their shows were fun and exciting. To most people I knew, it would probably have seemed like an everyday attraction made for children. For me, however, it was amazing because, as an autistic kid who was already fascinated by stories and shows, it felt like another world being brought to life in glorious fashion.

Whilst we were away on holiday, I would have chocolate goodies. One time I recall is when my Nan bought Easter chocolate statues for my brother and me; these statues resembled characters from the Disney film Hercules which had recently been released. It is a delight thinking of when I saw them for the first time on a shelf in Nan’s caravan.

Stafford was a small mining town and there wasn’t much in the way of holiday-related events, especially arcades. These always fascinated me as a child who grew up with a special interest in video games. Two games I remember playing at the arcade on holiday were The House of the Dead and Time Crisis. Both were fun and fast-paced, and the former added to my fascination with horror-themed stories and games. It was also fun playing the racing games - the day I found out they had a Mario Kart arcade game was an absolute delight to me. Although I could play these games at home on video game consoles like PlayStation, the feeling of being in an arcade on holiday was tremendous.

These were the start of why I loved holidays so much. There was always something so freeing and playful when it came to them; there was always a sense of adventure that came with them. Even going to the shops to get some milk felt like something out of the ordinary.

Going to France for the first time became an adventure worth remembering.

I remember the holiday vividly in my mind. We left for the airport at the early hours of a late July morning. When we arrived, we went through customs and security, and waited for our flight. I bought a PlayStation magazine and a Rugrats comic for the flight. The magazine was the last ever issue of PlayStation magazine which focused on the original PlayStation (PS1) which had been discontinued that summer. (Later, my parents would get a PlayStation 2 for my birthday!) It came with a demo disc featuring the PS1’s popular games, some articles on what the best games were for the console which included a statement that Metal Gear Solid was much better than its PS2 sequel, and it had an advertisement for my new favourite film Agent Cody Banks which caused me to have an interest in the spy genre. This, along with the comic, provided amazing reading material for the flight.

I turned eleven whilst we were in France, too. That birthday held two special memories.

We went to a restaurant that was down the street from our hotel. When we arrived, my parents told the waiter that it was my birthday. A while later, a small cake came out and sat in front of me. Why was this cake so special? It had a sparkling candle on top of it!

For my birthday, I was given a Harry Potter potions set. With this one, you could make the potions and actually drink them. As someone who loved fantasy stories, magic and the world of Harry Potter, this was so wonderful for my imagination. Even if the potions did taste like sour lemons in water, thinking of myself as making magic was so amazing.

Birthdays like that are always so magical indeed for an autistic child like I was.

Being autistic had its set of challenges on holiday. I have always been told that I live in my own little world, which I suppose is true. It did, however, mean that I had trouble connecting with others whilst we were away.

Looking back, I do wonder if I had an easier time talking to and hanging out with people my brother had hung out with. He was far more social than me and he seemed to speak to a lot of people. Most of them were friendly and fun, of course, even when they spoke a different language to us like when we were in France. However, I had wondered if I had hung around my brother and his friends because I wasn’t sure how to make friends of my own. Socialising was like this huge barrier that affected me, whether I was away for the week or staying at home.

Once, when I was around four or five years old, I met a girl around my age whose family was staying in the tent next to us. It was a short while but we got along very well. I even showed her the Action Man that I got for my birthday. I don’t recall her name or much about her now but I do know that it felt nice to make a friend, even if it was for a short while.

As a child, I wasn’t bothered by the aspect of making friends because I enjoyed myself nonetheless. It was, however, when I had turned sixteen that it dawned on me. I had learned more about my autism and I began to feel like more of an outcast, and I was more weary about how people perceived me. I had a meltdown on the way back to the tent one night because I became overwhelmed by the feeling that I could not socialise the way others could. It was a feeling that I had carried with me for a long time. To this day, it comes and goes, and it is always a dreadful feeling to think that I was never part of any group.

When I was at college and at university, I would often hear about people going in groups to different locations and having the time of their lives. I would have loved to be invited to one of these just to be part of something that I wasn’t. I do, however, consider that a lot of interests I had were not the same as others. Many people around me loved to go to parties and dance; for me, it was overwhelming unless we were in a calmer environment. Not that I always had a terrible time because of course I did, especially around people who understood me and ensured I was having fun too. It could well have been that my feelings of anxiety and loneliness were caused by a subconscious knowledge that it wasn’t for me.

When I met my wife Michelle for the first time in person, everything about that changed.

I met Michelle on Tumblr and our friendship quickly blossomed into something more than either of us had imagined. We lived in different countries - I lived in England and she lived in America - but by July 2017, Michelle had made the trip to England to see me. The whole trip was more than just my first holiday away from my family as an adult; it was also the chance to meet someone who I truly loved and cared about, and who had made me feel comfortable in myself. As soon as we saw each other and we embraced, I knew that Michelle was the one who made me happiest.

With Michelle, some of my favourite holiday moments happened, especially during our first week together. We spent the week in London, Liverpool and Birmingham, doing various activities, such as seeing two West End shows (Wicked and The Woman in Black), visiting the National Gallery, had dinner at a French restaurant and visited the Cavern.

What I remember most about the trip was Michelle’s caring and supportive nature which I came to love about her. As well as having so much in common with our interests in art and theatre, she also managed to help me overcome fears and boundaries I had set myself. One example of this was during our trip to St. Paul’s Cathedral. We made our way to the top of the cathedral because Michelle wanted to see what it was like. I have a terrible fear of heights and I get full of overwhelming nerves if I do not feel safe enough to walk somewhere without a railing to keep me safe. My chest became heavy and I was light-headed, scared that something would collapse whilst we were looking down into the cathedral itself. I had expected Michelle to get impatient with me and accuse me of not being fun, as people have said or insinuated to me in the past; however, she was calm and encouraged me to come with her, telling me to think about how amazing the view would be when we got there. I thought of that, and about how caring Michelle was being, and I went with her to the top. We got there and indeed the view of London from the highest point of the cathedral was absolutely amazing. It mesmerised me as it did Michelle, and I knew that despite my fears, I could push myself forward and have wonderful experiences if I allowed myself to do so.

Since then, with Michelle’s encouragement, I have been able to put aside my overwhelming fears of heights to do a variety of fun activities. During our trip to Disney World in Florida during the summer of 2018, I had gone on a huge amount of rides including Space Mountain and the Twilight Zone of Terror. Although the latter didn’t feel as safe as the other rides because of the loose seatbelts as we flew up and down, it was fun to be there experiencing it with her.

Michelle and I share similar interests when going on holiday together. We love to swim at the beach and we love to relax at the pool. We are both swimmers by nature and love the feeling of freedom and calmness when we do that. For me, swimming is just bliss and the weightlessness that comes with it just soothes me so much and it is an amazing stim to move underwater. Having someone with me who shares in this makes the experience more incredible.

I am an avid reader and I take immense joy from reading books on holiday. And of course, it is the best time to read a good book on the beach. It is always a guarantee that I am going to take one or two books. One vacation, I took Cirque du Freak and Twilight on holiday - early signs of my special interest in vampires. Michelle also loves reading, which makes going on vacation with her all the more wonderful in that regard. It has become a tradition that we each take books with us every time. On our last vacation to Gulf Shores in July of this year, I took My Heart is a Chainsaw with me. Sharing my reading with Michelle during our time away from home is always fun and exciting, and I love that she shares my passion.

During our marriage, Michelle has helped me to understand my own understanding of sensory issues I have. We have found out that my dislike of sunscreen is partly because of my dislike of oil and grease substances on my skin. It feels like it clings to me and makes me feel uncomfortable. However, since I know it is a necessary thing to put on sunscreen especially since I sunburn easily, I go through it all the same when we have a beach trip.

Heat is another sensory factor that I have to take into account. I sweat a lot during the summer and that makes me feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed. I also have to be far more aware of my water intake. I find it difficult to concentrate on multiple factors and tend to forget about drinking water, so I have to remind myself where I am and that water will keep me hydrated and I won’t feel as hot and sweaty as I would be without them.

Needless to say, the combination of sunscreen and sweat at the beach makes jumping into the water much more satisfying.

Overall, vacations bring out much of myself and my sense of adventure and imagination, and allows me time to relax and be free from societal pressures placed upon autistics in everyday life. It was a time to bring out my special interests and delve into them in the best ways possible. Marriage has provided me with a larger insight into why this is and to what I enjoy most in these times, and over time, I have a better understanding of why I enjoy them so much and I can push past any complications that lie ahead, whether it is socialising or intense heat.

After all, what is more fun for an autistic than to be free and have fun?