Teens & Screens: An Interview

I’m proud to know so many mothers who are parenting with heart and intuition. Fathers, too. But from my view, I see the mothers. Leading, learning, loving. Tapping into their innate wisdom and charting new paths ahead.

Clarissa Harwell is such a mother and comes to the table with lots of knowledge from her lived experience, parenting life, and career as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. We could have discussed any number of topics, but for this conversation, we focused on screens. I was particularly interested in Clarissa’s take on screens and teens (hence the title), but her insight here applies to anyone with a child/grandchild/loved one of any age.

molly

Tell us about your parenting “style” and how it came to be.

clarissa

We knew even before we decided to have kids that we would probably do things a little differently, but didn't realize just how outside the mainstream we would be. It started with being dedicated to attachment, which for us just meant being very responsive to our babies. I nursed them whenever and wherever, we had a family bed, we wore them in wraps and slings, and they weaned closer to the global average age rather than the American average age.

When my children (now 17 and 15) became the ages that most kids in America start attending school, we knew they were not ready to be away from us all day. We had discussions about whether we'd homeschool or just send our oldest a year "late" to school. We ultimately chose to homeschool because the thought of sending our spirited, attached, bright and curious child away for several hours a day to play and learn, when they could continue to play and learn and thrive with us felt unnecessary, I suppose. And in full transparency, I was worried that my kid's big spirit, feistiness and sensitivity would not be met with compassion in school. 

I don't know that we ever made a conscious decision not to do things like behavior charts or punishments and rewards, we just never, ever used those strategies in our parenting. My husband and I are both Autistic and it's common among Autistics to dislike coercion tactics and trickery. So why would we use that with our kids, right? It feels belittling and disrespectful and backfires in the long run. I'd read Alfie Kohn's Punished by Rewards early in the parenting journey and I think that influenced me. Also, my husband is Danish and didn't come to the US until after we were married. This is a generalization, of course, but I think in many ways Danish culture is more respectful of children, less alarmist, and less coercive than American culture. So, although he didn't go down all the rabbit holes of parenting research, neuroscience, attachment and intrinsic/extrinsic motivation that I did, my husband was starting from a mindset that was less inclined to see kids as manipulative beings that need to be controlled. 

molly

Let's talk about screens. What's your personal reasoning behind allowing unlimited access to screens? 

clarissa

Looking back, I realize our thinking about not limiting access to electronics stemmed quite naturally from our philosophy of intuitive eating. Overall, we see our role as parents as that of guides, protectors, and mentors, not judges, owners or arbiters.

I don't like to lump "screen time" into one thing because there are so many ways that our kids can be using screened devices, and because I hear "screen time" used in such a negative, coercive way most of the time. If you make sugary foods a scarce resource in your home, they tend to become incredibly important, enticing and something kids think about, ask about and seem to want a lot. If sugary foods are readily available, along with a variety of other kinds of foods, they are less likely to be viewed as special or limited and therefore kids are free to choose them when they wish and pass them up, too. People always commented that my children were the only kids they'd ever met who would turn down sugary foods. They’d ask what our "trick" was, and I'd say: "The only trick is that they know they are allowed to eat sugary foods whenever they'd like." It's the same with phones, iPads, computers, and gaming consoles in our house. It's pretty much always available. We have never used it as a privilege to take away, or something the kids had to earn. 

molly

I personally feel very conflicted when my child chooses screens over other activities. The research is intimidating. When I first became a mother, I had an entire collection of books and bookmarked articles on my phone (I do see the irony here) about the benefits of screen-free childhoods. And even though I know in my heart that screen-free living will not work for my family, I still have residual guilt. Do you deal with this? How do you respond?

clarissa

The anti-technology alarmist parenting culture is widespread and there's no escaping the messaging, is there? But I love the internet and connecting socially online, and I use technology for so many things. I also love that my kids live at a time in which these things are possible. We are a household of introverts, some of us with higher social needs than others. We use our phones, computers and iPads for work, learning, fun, connecting, healing, regulating, art, and the list goes on. You name it, technology is probably a part of it.

I love that my kids can take a computer to a nature day and enjoy being in a beautiful meadow with trees and wildlife while also gaming. Or that we can have a family text thread to send ridiculous memes, say goodnight, check-in about who is hungry or share photos, etc. Sometimes we have tough conversations via text because we’re frequently better able to regulate our emotional responses if we’re in our own quiet safe space and have time to process before responding, without the additional input of body language, voice volume and emotional flooding.

The vast majority of research about children and technology has been on schooled children, and I do think there would be some differences in outcomes if they studied children who were not in school, or perhaps more importantly, children who have unlimited access to technology coupled with a caring adult with whom they talk about what they encounter on the internet. With an adult who plays with them online, who engages in technology use with them and who has discussions with the child about all the different ways they are using technology. I really think connection is the missing piece. Sure, if people are giving their kids unlimited internet access at age 5 and that's that, I'd be concerned. But is there a loving, safe adult around who is at least relatively aware of what the kid is watching, how they are engaging, and what impact it's having? That’s entirely different.

There's also a lot of research about the benefits of gaming and, as a therapist, I enjoy seeing how technology and gaming are being incorporated in the therapeutic relationship. Virtual Reality, for example, is used to treat PTSD, and there are games designed to help treat depression. Many neurodivergent people regulate really well by engaging with gaming or watching the same show/movie repeatedly. We once had a neighbor, a surgeon who uses robotics to perform surgeries, share how she really encouraged her young son to play more video games because she hoped he would become a surgeon. She wished she'd grown up with access to video games because the benefits for hand-eye coordination and micro-movements are amazing!

I think both our kids probably spend more time online than many parents might be comfortable with. And if we lumped it all into "screen time" it might look like zoning out. But spending time with them, seeing all the different things they are doing, that they learn, that they love, and the connections they make, it's impossible to think of it as an unvaried activity. We don't value one way of learning over another. Reading a paperback versus listening to a podcast or watching a YouTube video on a topic are all of equal value if the media is right for the person choosing it. 

molly

I'm familiar with a no-limits approach to screens within my community of mothers. However, most of us are parenting younger children. I'm very curious to know how low demand parenting around screens changes with teens. How do you ensure safety around social media or unsafe content? 

clarissa

The short answer is that I can't ensure safety as much as I’d like to. What I can do is ensure that I am a safe person for my kids to talk to about whatever they come across. They've shown us many times that they come to us with the tough stuff. When a friend of theirs, or a stranger on Discord, talks about suicide or self-harm; when an adult tries to get personal information or exhibits grooming behaviors; when kids are racist, anti-gay, body-shaming, or bullying, our kids know they can come to us for guidance or just to talk about how hard that stuff is. I wish they never were exposed to any of that. For our family, the benefits of technology’s vast array of uses far outweigh the risks, but the downsides are very real.

I tell parents all the time: connection is the best intervention. Internet safety is not a "one and done" conversation. It's an ongoing discussion. Not a lecture, not a threat, but a discussion, where we as parents need to do more listening than talking. What are our kids encountering? How have they handled it? What are they worried about? What resources would be helpful for them to have on hand for when they encounter tough things online? For example, my kids have suicide and crisis info to share with people online.

molly

Let's talk about the benefits of screens! We're the first generation to parent kids with iPads and smartphones and unlimited access to the internet. There's no guidebook and most of the popular advice tells us the less screen time, the better. However, screens can be great. Especially for neurodivergent children. My child has made friends, built confidence, discovered new special interests, and independently learned to read on an iPad. What benefits do you see? 

clarissa

My son learned to read and write/type in order to be able to use the online chat feature in games. Both kids have each developed years-long friendships that started online. A year or so ago, my son spent over an hour telling me about quantum physics and finished it with "See, mom? School really is obsolete. I learned all that on YouTube."

I think so much parenting advice is fear-based, and I aim to parent from a more grounded place. I find a lot of joy in witnessing the ways our family uses phones, iPads, and computers (and sometimes VR and gaming consoles, too). My son is a huge gamer and spends many hours a day doing what he loves. This has led to amazing friendships all over the country, pretty impressive negotiating and conflict resolution skills, and he has discovered many, many new topics of interest. He is also learning how to build and repair computers.

My other child has chronic illnesses and watching their favorite shows on repeat has been a great comfort these past several months. Being able to stay connected with friends when they were too sick to see them in person was helpful, too. We've used a meditation app throughout the past several months to help with some of their symptoms, and they and some of their friends use this wonderful app called Finch that promotes self-care among friends.

My husband and I are also both online a lot. My private practice is all telehealth; he works remotely a few days a week and also does most of his reading on his iPad. He watches a ton of YouTube videos on his special interest topics. We all enjoy researching things that we're interested in. We use phones for having a shared grocery list, frequent reminders and alarms for those of us with ADHD, a shared family calendar, shared photo albums, budgeting, allowances and so much more. One of my favorite uses is how we all share memes, TikToks, news articles, videos or other things online that we think others in the family will enjoy or have expressed interest in. 

molly

Anything else you'd like to tell us? Bring it home!

clarissa

Are there reasons to be cautious about our kids gaming, using phones, tablets, computers and being online? Yes. Are the fears overblown? Yes. Do neurodivergent nervous systems regulate differently than neurotypical nervous systems? Also yes!

If you are currently a family that has a lot of limits on electronic usage, removing all those limits at once might be overwhelming for everyone. Slowly relaxing them tends to go more smoothly, so kids can begin to re-learn their own internal system and boundaries for usage. The reason my kids can easily walk away from electronics is because they have complete trust that they can return to them and that their access will never be restricted as punishment. When there's no real or perceived scarcity, no threat of having it taken away, no parent criticizing their interests or usage, their relationship to using technology can develop really differently than it might otherwise. Just as the harmful messaging of diet culture will impact us whether or not we ascribe to those beliefs or engage in diet culture behaviors, so too will alarmist and shaming perspectives around kids gaming and using phones, tablets and computers. Our family doesn't believe those messages and we don't change our behaviors based on them, but we are very much aware of the mainstream cultural beliefs about technology usage among children.

In addition to my private practice, I also work as a crisis clinician for children and adolescents, which means I see a lot of kids who attend school or who have trouble attending school. Among many other things, a common point of hurt that kids and teens share with me is that their parents/caregivers criticize their interests a lot, particularly if their interests involve screens. And parents and caregivers ask me: "Why doesn't my kid tell me what's going on in their life?" These things are related! Belittling or dismissing what your child shows interest in does not build connection and trust. Unboxing videos don't interest you? That's ok! Your kid interests you so you can focus on delight you witness in your child when they watch, engage in watching together, or maybe film them unboxing. Let your child/grandchild/loved one tell you about their favorite games and listen without judgment. Maybe they'll even teach you how to play. Show them games from your childhood if you played! And remember that it might take time for them to trust that you're actually interested.